This post has been personally hard, but very healing to write. I appreciate even more, the gifts this beautiful place has given me, both before AND after the 2017 Eagle Creek fire. Most profound have been the lessons about living life, finding peace and moving on after severe loss.
Here’s my story.
Experiencing Eagle Creek
Eagle Creek is one of those special places that’s impossible to describe in words. Experiencing it personally is the only way to really understand what is so amazing about it!
I’d wanted to do a deep-dive backpacking trip there for years(!) and I finally went … in June of 2017, just weeks before the fire.
I was struggling with so many things at the time. I needed peace, and help figuring a way out of the massive hole I’d dug for myself in life.
Eagle Creek graciously gave me both!
On day 2 of my trip, I found an incredible spot, miles back up the trail. No one else was anywhere near.
It was a small meadow in the middle of a beautiful waterfall, surrounded on all sides by simple, *thriving* life. I climbed the mossy rocks and sat there for hours, letting that healing place bleed away ALL my stresses and completely re-fill me with peace. In those moments, I realized that whatever lay ahead in my life, I could (and would!) handle it.
Leaving there, I could tell I was already climbing out of the hole I’d dug!
That special place is gone now.
A few short weeks later, the 2017 Eagle Creek fire completely devastated more than just a beautiful and uniquely special landscape. Honestly, EVERY heart that has ever experienced and loved this amazing place, burned painfully along with it … leaving a deep hole in many lives.
We’re all sorry it happened … I imagine those in the moment of thoughtless, carelessness where it started, are more sorry than most.
Some holes are dug alot deeper than others.
Returning
I was excited to return when Eagle creek re-opened again many years after the fire. I was hesitant though too, knowing it wouldn’t be the same.
Interestingly enough, I was struggling again. Life had become really untenable and I felt stuck in a massive hole again. This time, it was not one I had dug for myself.
I needed peace, and help figuring out how to move on with life after severe loss. I hoped Eagle Creek, even after the fire, could help me find once again what I so desperately needed.
We arrived to an absolutely *never-before-seen* EMPTY parking lot. Back in the day, this place was busting at the seams with people. The silence was hard to take … so was the damage.
Starting down the trail, scars were everywhere. Gone was the incredible abundance of living green, replaced by blackened trees and scraggly undergrowth re-growing from ashes. The fire had changed Eagle Creek’s beautiful landscape forever.
It was amazing though, watching Mother Nature hard at work rebuilding and growing new. She was still shedding tears, and reeling from incredibly deep wounds, but she obviously wasn’t gonna stay there!
She was already moving on.
Fingernails on a chalkboard
We hiked in silence for awhile taking it all in. Seeing first hand Eagle Creek’s loss, I couldn’t help but think of my own.
I accepted what had happened to me, but begrudgingly … like ‘fingernails-down-a-chalkboard’. You know … the kind where you totally cringe and yell and grit your teeth because it’s so painful. But ultimately there’s nothing you can do to stop it and just have to endure until it’s over.
Yeah, that was me … and my life. Somedays the fingernails just wouldn’t stop scratching.
It felt like being in a massive hole, one I couldn’t climb out of. Every time I’d try, something would happen and I’d find I had jumped myself right back in. I definitely wanted out, but was fighting against having to accept loss and move forward with something I didn’t choose, didn’t want and couldn’t change.
So I was *choosing stuck* … and I knew it.
It was an exhausting way to live.
Living with Scars
Hiking deeper into Eagle Creek, it became more difficult not to compare the before to now. And to hurt more and more for what was lost …
The invitation
While hiking thru the parts of deepest burn, I found myself jabbering on about the fire, the damage and lamenting over the tremendous loss. My friend was up ahead, quietly continuing on down the trail, but I heard two words, barely audible, float back to me:
“Leave it.”
I paused a moment. “Leave what?”
Never looking back, just moving forward, the invitation becoming clear:
“The fire.”
I stopped, stunned at the thought.
So caught up in the past, I didn’t even realize what I was doing!
Here I was, on a beautiful, fall morning, in one of my favorite places on earth! It was finally accessible again after all these years, thanks to the generous sacrifices and love of SO MANY!! Mother Nature was working her incredible magic all around me, despite her scars … And I was completely missing it!!
Once again, I was choosing stuck … and had jumped back in that blasted hole again (face first this time?) !!
Leaving It
Could it actually be that simple?
“Leave it.” … Just like that?!
I looked around … maybe for the first time that trip … maybe for the first time ever.
I saw potently that ‘Leave it’ was exactly what Mother Nature was doing … in full color glory all around me!
Her fall colors were stunning, especially set against the striking backdrop of black. Instead of detracting, the burn actually enhanced and highlighted the incredible recovery work Mother Nature was doing! Her battle scars were plainly there for all to see, openly telling the tale to what she was overcoming … And sharing glimpses of the *thriving* life still possible for those willing to move beyond their loss.
It was teaching anyone who would listen how one could accept the pain of the past, but not continue to suffer it in the present. It was beautiful … and so powerful!!
Beyond Stuck
Continuing on, I realized that we were seeing ‘never-before-seen’ views and hidden waterfalls, visible now, after the fire.
I was struck by the amazing possibility that maybe ‘after’ could still be beautiful! Not the same beautiful as ‘before’, because everything was definitely different … but still beautiful on it’s own.
It was obvious Mother Nature thought so, and she wasn’t wasting any time making it happen! Watching her progress already, I had no doubt the future of this place would include recovery and living beautifully again beyond severe loss.
Maybe, Eagle Creek wouldn’t be the only one …
Moving on
On that amazing trail, surrounded by stark contrasts of loss and growing new, two simple words were the invitation for me to choose something different … to make a better choice than continually jumping in that hole and filling it with my stuck self.
Mother Nature was gently urging me to follow …
I could hear her whispering:
“Melissa. There is still so much beautiful living to do.
Be brave! Walk away from empty holes and blackened scars.
Let’s move on together.”
She was reaching down into the hole, offering to help me climb out and move on for good.
I thought again, briefly, about the fire.
I thought about a single moment, a really bad choice and the regret of a lifetime. I knew though, watching Mother Nature moving on without missing a beat, that even thoughtless, careless had been forgiven.
Her message was clear in every new leaf, every sliver of growth:
“Bad things happen, Mistakes get made. Let’s learn from them and do better.
There is still so much beautiful living to do.
Let’s ALL move on together.”
Beauty from ashes.
In her elegant way, Mother Nature wasn’t just ‘letting go’ … she had already ‘let go’ and was inviting each of us to do the same … showing us ALL the way to choose something better than stuck.
Taking a deep breath, I reached up, took her proffered hand and climbed out of the hole. I was ready to move on … leaving the fire, and stuck, behind for good.
True Beauty from Ashes
The sign pictured above, was posted at the Eagle Creek trailhead after the fire.
It reads:
Eagle Creek
Volunteer Trail Restoration 2018 – 2020
Following the Eagle Creek Fire of 2017
64 Projects
6,369 Total Hours
27,935 Feet of Rehab
171 Logs
Pacific Crest Trail Association
Thank you PCTA Voluneers!
Thank you to all the wonderful volunteers, generous donations and countless sacrifices made by so many, that helped this amazing place open again! Your exceptional efforts have helped Eagle Creek continue to teach visitors powerfully, beautiful lessons on living life, finding peace and moving on.
Truly Beauty from Ashes
