Alpine Dreams
I’ve dreamed of summiting Eagle Cap since I was little kid! I’d watch my older brothers pack for trips up there and wish I could tag along … someday. But it always ended up as everyone else going and me staying behind. 
I finally stopped waiting for someone else and just made the trip happen myself! The ‘kid-in-me’ was elated, but the ‘adult-in-me’, freaked out seeing it came with a 9500 ft summit price tag! 
My doubts started right away telling me “There’s no way!”
Elevation has always been hard for me … not just *getting* there (insert manic, phobic fear of heights here!) … but *being* there too. My body just doesn’t react well at altitude (insert long string of 4-letter words here … ) !
The last time I tried was for the rim of Mt St Helen’s at 8200 ft. It took HOURS to climb the 2.5 miles … and peering over the edge into that massive crater was SO worth it!! 
But it came with a price. That elevation completely messed me up! I became *INSANELY* sick to my stomach and wanted, with incredible *INTENSITY*, to be off that mountain and ANYWHERE else immediately!
Elevation and I have ‘not-been-friends’ since.
It’s rather painful to be so enamored with climbing mountains but have these debilitating struggles that make it hard to even start. 
Most days I just feel “Alpine-Dreams broken” and tell myself to get back into fishing after taking the dog for another walk.
My dog always loves days like that 
Heading to Eagle Cap
We started our trek from the Two Pan trailhead and at 2 miles in, the trail went insane steep. It stayed that way long enough that I stopped taking pictures (which says a lot about how steep it was)!
The climb was worth it though! At the top, the trail opened to a long, flat meadow with Eagle Cap framed majestically at the end of it. It was an incredible sight!
And yes, the pictures started again immediately!
Still, as the mountain got closer, all I could think was “There’s NO WAY!”
Broken
At 5 miles in, we found the broken bridge.
Before coming, someone had warned us that “the bridge was out”. I thought it was a recent thing … but then I found mention of it in my 20 yr old hiking book! Apparently some things that break, stay broken?!
It was easy enough to shimmy across though … so maybe that bridge stays broken for another 20 years!
We took a well-earned break on the other side and ditched the hiking boots for an ice water foot soak in the stream. It felt great!
Back on the trail, I made an unfortunate tactical error with my hip belt clasp and it totally broke! A vulnerable part of me determined to eat less cookies in the future!
Eagle Cap’s Mirror Lake
The moment we arrived at Mirror Lake, we fell in love! It was absolutely stunning with a reflection of Eagle Cap shimmering across it’s smooth, blue/green surface.
We made camp at a spot my oldest brother recommended from his trips back in the day. I set up my tent on a mini rock cliff with a view of Eagle Cap summit right out the front door. It was beautiful!
First Aid – Physically
That night, exhausted, I started on first aid.
I had silver dollar size heel blisters thanks to ripped up hiking boots that I should have paid better attention to. My shoulders were super sore and of course, the altitude, already 7600 ft, was wrecking havoc on me.
Honestly though, the physical ailments were nothing compared to my mental ones …
I sat at my tent door, staring up at Eagle Cap. This was THE mountain I’d been dreaming of climbing for decades now, but I knew I could go NO further. I was a mess. Only 2 miles from realizing my long-time dream and I didn’t even want to try. My fears had won, and I was done.
*There was NO WAY*.
The worst part was knowing … in the morning, I would ONCE AGAIN watch everyone else climb this BLASTED mountain, with me, ONCE AGAIN, staying behind … Just with a front row seat this time.
The disappointment was indescribable.
In that moment, I was *INSANELY* sick of ALL that was broken in me. I wanted with incredible *INTENSITY* to be immediately off that mountain and yeah, ANYWHERE else. I wished I had never come.
“Alpine-Dreams broken” indeed. 20 yrs?? A lifetime?? It wasn’t getting fixed anytime soon.
First Aid – Mentally
That night I knelt in my lonely tent propped for an amazing view. Wanting *SO BADLY* to have a reprieve from my manic-phobic height fears, I asked God in a simple prayer if I could just have a break …
It’s hard to describe what happened next, but it felt like something inside me that had needed to for a long time, finally went *WIDE OPEN BROKEN* …
I got my break.
Fused whole
I slept well that night and woke in the morning READY TO GO.
Yes, to the top … not even a twinge of fear. No butterflies, No stomach knots, Not even the ‘heart-in-the-throat-and-can’t-breathe’ thing that I hate so much!
It felt like someone had picked up all the broken pieces in me and fused them WHOLE … Except the one, that needed to stay broken.
Reaching Eagle Cap’s summit
The trip to the top was not easy, but we took breaks when needed, chatted with new friends along the trail and even built a snowman!
The views were amazing!
There were many sections of the hike where I should have been a mess, but my nerves were solid as a rock … All the way to the top!
Of course, it wasn’t until I had to come back down that I realized how steep it really was! But even then, my nerves didn’t budge!
I took pictures the whole way.
We enjoyed MULTIPLE sighs of relief when we got back down and rewarded ourselves with another ice cold foot soak in the lake!
The afternoon was spent exploring and playing with the squirrels that were enamored with whatever remained in our snack bags. That night for dinner the youngest of us celebrated with her *favorite* Ramen Noodles, while the rest of us over-indulged on grahams and Nutella.
Victorious for home
The next day we headed out, saying goodbye to Eagle Cap, Mirror Lake and all the squirrels who were no doubt sad to see us go!
Back at the trailhead, we took one final, heavenly ice cold foot soak in the river before heading for home, victorious!
Staying Broken
I wish I could say that my manic-phobic height fears were all fixed that day, but they weren’t. I still struggle … OFTEN! But every time I do, I can’t help but remember Eagle Cap and getting my break!
It’s like God had been waiting all along, listening. Not for my words, but for whatever in me that had needed to and finally BROKE WIDE OPEN.
It would be great if I could share whatever special combination unlocked that for me, (I’d use it again!!) But I imagine it’s different for everyone and each person has to find their own if they want to connect with heaven.
Maybe there are things that break and need to stay broken. 20 years? A lifetime? Either way, it works and we are the better for it.
I’m headed out fishing now … after I take my dog for another walk
